


I was such a fool

by Mikanshii



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Internal Monologue, M/M, Out of Character, Past Relationship(s), Unresolved, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:08:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27740521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mikanshii/pseuds/Mikanshii
Summary: I’ve been thinking about you. Lately, you’ve been abnormally unresponsive to Fine’s condition. Is your wellbeing alright? I believe it may have something to do with Fushimi Yuzuru-kun, no? You do share a quite a rather unsettling relationship with him; of course, I am aware of the basics of said connection[...]“In other words, I believe I am just wondering if you are well. I would like to assume that I am a close enough accomplice to understand the full potential of your previous life – including your past relations. I do suspect you have not yet revealed the full history between you and him.//Nagisa is curious about Ibara and Yuzuru's past relationship, so he priors Ibara to tell him the tale
Relationships: (slight) Ran Nagisa/Saegusa Ibara, Fushimi Yuzuru/Saegusa Ibara, Sazanami Jun/Tomoe Hiyori (mentioned)
Kudos: 13





	I was such a fool

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written before the new Tour Event “Boogie Time” so any new canonical information about how Ibara speaks (speech pattern) is not implemented. I am trying to keep this the most canon as possible, however, do forgive me for I have not read the story Gang in quite some time. 
> 
> No spellcheck or proofreader was used. I may add more notes later...

Ibara was good at all kinds of malicious things: lies, schemes, deceiving others, and especially winning; yet, when it came to a certain butler, he seemed to break up and lose some of his redeeming qualities. Nagisa noticed - well no, everyone noticed. Ibara and Yuzuru shared an unusual hostility despite the fact they grew up with each other. Then again, you could say they didn’t really have the ‘normal’ childhood experience given the setting. What everyone knew is that they both trained together as children in a military camp, but other than that, their personal bonds were all just an enigma. 

The part that made it confusing was the back and forth snarky and sarcastic ‘compliments’ Ibara gave to the Yuzuru, while he was retorted with absolute brutal comebacks; which seemed quite odd from the normally well-behaved man. Seriously, what happened? Nagisa supposed they had quite a few conflicts as children in such a horrid place, but never really knew what really occurred. 

Naturally, being the curious man he is, he wanted to seek more details about their previous affair. It seemed like today was the day he would implore on it. It was the perfect timing; Eden and Fine had finished a combined interview with each other, so naturally, it wouldn’t be too off-script to ask promptly. 

It could be due to Starmaker Productions and Cosmic Productions’ flow and schedule, but it seemed oddly repetitive that both units were together quite often. Lives, events, and interviews from the two units combined seemed very frequent – maybe it was related to the tension the two units had once. In the entertainment world, the media always wanted to highlight each individual person and expose their past selves, so it seemed highly coincidental; almost as if they casted this on purpose: the previous Fine members and two ex-mercenaries (that was still hidden from the press). Ultimately, both parties were never in dire pleasure when they discovered they needed to work together. 

Disregarding that fact, what seemed to be on Nagisa’s mind the entire time was the odd pair. The interview was almost all scripted, which was not new to him particularly, but Ibara had decided it was best for them to avoid any unnecessary quarrels. Once the camera cast had left, death glares were fired at the adversary unit and the tension in the room was almost suffocating. Now, behind the scene, the idols were told that they had a few hours of free time before the commencement of another gig. It seemed like Hiyori was awfully agitated from the interview and dragged Jun out with him to relieve some stress – probably to go see Bloody Mary or go shopping. That left the two Adam members alone. It was the perfect time for Nagisa to strike. Ibara was in the midst of opening his laptop to pull out some more work. 

“Ibara, might I request a rather particular question?”

Ibara must’ve been shocked by the sudden questioning; after all, it was Nagisa who was requesting something of him. The way he sounded made it seem like he expected a serious conversation. He shifted his head away from the screen and replied, while saluting, with an utmost appropriate answer.

“Of course you may, Your Excellency; however, the answer may not be fitting for you - seeing as if this ‘particular question’ of yours leads to something you are unwilling to hear.” Ibara replies with that oh-so-famous fake smile of his. 

“That is of no concern to me at this moment. What I want is a reliable response on the matter, disregarding any ill emotions you think I may harbour towards you.” 

With that being said, Ibara dropped his salute along with his fake smile. His blue eyes glimmered through the lens of his glasses and he couldn’t help but sigh. 

“Alright then, what is it you desire to know?” he mockingly performed a fake bow as if he was submitting to his senior’s wishes. 

“I’ve been thinking about you. Lately, you’ve been abnormally unresponsive to Fine’s condition. Is your wellbeing alright? I believe it may have something to do with Fushimi Yuzuru-kun, no? You do share a quite a rather unsettling relationship with him; of course, I am aware of the basics of said connection...”

Before Nagisa could finish, Ibara barked a hostile “your point?” but then tried to erase the aggression by covering his displeased face with another one of his fake smiles. 

“In other words, I believe I am just wondering if you are well. I would like to assume that I am a close enough accomplice to understand the full potential of your previous life – including your past relations. I do suspect you have not yet revealed the full history between you and him.”

With that Ibara sighed and slumped down on a near chair. He rested his head titled against his fist and crossed his legs. It was definitely a sign of impatience, annoyance, and somewhat a dash of expectancy. At this point, he knew keeping up the facade of the perfect business partner was pointless; after all, Nagisa did ask him a rather sensitive question. 

“Clearly, I can’t delve into every shared moment we had. Is there something you want to know that I can shortly discuss given our time restraint?” Ibara puffed out.  
“Explanations of precise scenarios are not needed. I simply wish to know what genuine feelings you held as a child. Surely you weren’t as spiteful to each other as children, who were the only two of the same age.” 

Ibara rolled his eyes but kept silent. 

“I realize what I am requesting is rather delicate; however, I would eventually like to come to an understanding of the bond you shared.”

“...”

The silence was soon followed by a tame sigh. 

“Ah, well... where do I start?”

Given the speech pattern and the pronoun switch, Ibara submitted to his truthful demeanor. 

“From what I remember, our relationship was solely that of a mentor and a pupil... Yuzuru was brought into this world as a natural genius and was no doubt exceptional at every training regiment, task, and obligation given to him. I, on the other hand, was not particular at anything specific but was good enough to be sent to the battlefield. I believe our squadron leader paired the two of us frequently because of our similar age...” 

Nagisa wanted to intervene and tell him that he already knew this, but decided to not annoy the redhead any further, and let him continue. 

“We had the typical relation you would expect for two young teenagers lost in a world of ‘eat or get eaten’. Back then, I had the reputation of not really trying hard enough and being too careless. I was dead set on finding something to make me feel glad that I was born. Yuzuru took everything too seriously, though. From my perspective, Yuzuru was like the older brother figure; strict and serious, like always. If you were to ask him what he thought of me, it would surely be a hindrance or-” 

It was obvious that Ibara was now clearly dodging the question at hand. All of this information the elder already knew about the couple. Nagisa’s face seemed to contort into a small frown producing the expression of impatience. Ibara took the hint and, once again sighed. 

“Your Excellency, I do believe we are on this subject per your request, would you care not to hear the truth in that matter, or are you simply killing time?” 

“My apologies, it seems as if I appeared to be caught in thought elsewhere. I implore you to continue, Ibara.”

“...”

“Is there anything of the matter?”

“No, just thinking. Reminiscing of the past brings quite unpleasant memories, especially from him.”

With that being said, a silence seeped its way through the room. It was a little too long for Nagisa’s liking, and while he did not want to end the conversation at hand, he certainly did not want to make the other uncomfortable. It is certainly odd comforting Ibara, after all, he is the kind of character who does not like affection. As a child, Ibara was always looked down upon due to his illegible nature, his young age, petite body, and various other reasons; and because of those, it was easy for him to confuse sympathy with pity. The more Nagisa thought about it, the more he reflected on his own times of dire advice. Nagisa would always have Hiyori as a child to confront him. 

“I am not quite sure if I am in the correct position to say this but, Hiyori-kun once told me that when you are sheltering fragments of your life and hiding them away; hoping they disappear, they will indeed be more internally painful compared to ‘letting it all out’.”

“... Please do not misunderstand; I would not like to hear any form of advice from His Highness, especially in regards to this subject. It seems he already has an unfavourable relationship with Yuzuru, no need to add more oil to the fire...

However, I have evaded your inquiries long enough. I believe you will keep pestering me until I submit, no? Well then, if you truly seek an answer then I shall provide you with one at full potential!” Ibara added with a little more enthusiasm as if it were almost like he wanted to talk about this topic at hand for quite some time. 

“... To be honest, whatever relations I held dear to me from early life in the orphanage were all quickly demolished by the cruelty of the military environment. During my days as a child, before becoming a charity soldier, I must have been unscathed: I do not even recall harbouring hatred towards my parents who left me in a home of orphans. That time was quickly cut short when I grew old enough to be sent on to the fields.

Once I got a breather of how truly cruel this world is underneath the sugarcoated paradise the adults disguise from children, I understood why exactly I commenced my intense hatred for everything. I started loathing my parents for throwing me out like garbage, loathing the orphanage for sending me to this awful place, and even loathing anyone who would dare pity me. It was a difficult change; to be placed in a setting with your surroundings completely different from what you are used to. It was as if they fed me like a pig only to be slaughtered for riches. 

Back then, I believed I needed to find something valuable enough that I could consider glad to have found and even thankful that I was born for. Around that time I encountered Yuzuru. He carried the face of an angel but had a despicable attitude. As I mentioned, we were paired together and shared the bond compared to that of siblings. In reality, Yuzuru was my instructor, and I was his underling. At first, he was another business accomplice given to me by this world, one to work with, one to later forget, but somehow; maybe due to our similar ages, we begrudging got along pretty well... or so I thought, at that time. 

I had this foreign feeling in my chest and actually felt like the world had stopped being so merciless towards me. It was the first time I was actually having what would be known as ‘fun’ on the battlefields. It was refreshing to play around and act like a child around someone close to my age. While Yuzuru never really played along with my ‘games’ his reactions were always the most fun to witness. 

Still to this day, I am unsure of what kind of relationship he held towards me back then. Surely, it must have been that of a hindrance. I do recall Yuzuru always commanding me to do push-ups or squats due to how annoying I was to him.”

After rambling for a while, Ibara awaited a response from Nagisa, or more like a comment to see if the elder was listening to the boring monologue of his. After some time, Nagisa spoke:

“Interesting, you displayed a friendship and somewhat of a rivalry towards each other. Then, how come the conclusion of the story ends in tragedy?” 

Ibara let out a small and slightly aggressive grunt. 

“Yuzuru was so consumed by the idea of sticking to his family legacy; the family that threw him to a no-good excuse of a military training camp, to a living hell; yet, for some reason, he still felt in debt to them. To become a butler for the Himemiya family was far more interesting than gaining power and freedom from hard work. Instead, he took the easy way out, believing it was something he needed to do, his only reasoning for life, the one purpose he had.

It was infuriating, to see him throw away such raw talent. He had the qualities of a perfect soldier, one who could gain anything if he tried, and to witness him throw it away, such a shame. In the end, he disclosed our pasts; leaving it for some luxury; leaving me, his freedom, his strength, his intelligence, and his skills all to rot in hell.”

“... and how did you feel that day” Nagisa questioned, trying to pry out more information from Ibara now that he was all heated up; when was he going to have another chance?

“I felt cold... It was during winter so maybe that’s why, but the warmth in my chest suddenly died and the venomous karma came right back to haunt me. Even though I knew the day was going to gradually fall upon, I suppose some part of me never wanted to let go of the joy inside me. Maybe it was because I was a naive child or a stubborn brat, but that moment felt like I truly watched someone important leave me once again, but this time I was old enough to feel the heart-wrenching pain... For you to possibly understand, well maybe compare it to a beautifully tragic scene that the audience witnesses in works of fiction; it was an essential step to continue the storyline.

Back then, I might have been too adamant to admit it, but I felt like the something I was looking for was meeting someone as relentlessly humane as Yuzuru.”

Nagisa rested his eyes briefly to then shift his gaze towards the wall. Somehow, he knew that facing Ibara at the moment of his confession would displease the younger. Someone who carried such a large pride as Ibara would surely not have wanted to be looked at. 

“...This may be too intrusive, but I cannot help myself asking: you would describe Fushimi Yuzuru-kun as if you deeply praised him, describing him with such words as angelic and beautiful. Could it be that you were infatuated with him?” 

Ibara could help but let out a sly scoff.

“Your Excellency, I am rather offended your first assumption is that of obsession. It is true that Yuzuru held seniority over me, but just making think about it makes me sick. We may not have been equals on the battlefield, but I assure you I have surpassed him long ago when he decided to take his luxurious break caretaking that troublesome boy. ”

“Then, allow me to rephrase...is what you are feeling, could it be referred to as ‘love’, could it not?”

Upon hearing that oddly bold statement from the usual undemonstrative man, Ibara’s eyes widened, and tore his gaze to face his once abandoned laptop screen; eyes closed and face slightly flushed. He simply let out a playful, yet irritated smirk and replied with:

“I assure you, it is nothing of the sorts. Someone who has survived and wandered the battlefield aimlessly is incapable of the sin referred to as ‘love’. Rather, I think, I should not have the privilege of feeling such emotion.”

“I believe that is not the case. However you wish to label it as, you are indeed cherished by many; including him.”

Ibara frowned his eyebrows, in confusion, and let out a small snort; signifying ridiculousness. He pulled up his glasses that were sliding off his face and retorted in a light aggravating tone:

“I appreciated the motivation; however, pity is not something I will tolerate given the situation. I was such an insolent fool back then that I could have fallen for the trap referred to as ‘love’, but now I am stronger within my body and mind, I shall not submit to such degeneracy.”

Nagisa seemed uncharacteristically irritated by Ibara’s choice of words. He never understood why Ibara distanced himself from everyone, even in dire need of comforting situations. Without registering his words, he, in the most graciously way, snapped:

“Is that what you truly think? Hatred will only fuel your aggression further and you will be unable to evolve if you stick to such ideologies. Even if you do succeed in whatever goal you wish to obtain, what will you do after? If I may be so bold to speak out of turn, in regards to your vengeance, what satisfaction will you achieve by crushing him?” 

He must have stretched the line with that statement because Ibara’s tone of voice somehow shifted from tame defeat to sudden hostility. 

“Hold on just a minute, when did I ever express a desire for vengeance? I would appreciate it if you would not assume such flawed logic in regards to me. Even if I did intend to do something reckless, it has no use to you.”

Nagisa looked back at Ibara, face as calm as ever, expected to meet with an irritated grimace on the others. He shifted his eyebrows and broadcasted the face of doubt that caused Ibara to grimace. 

“If you are in such dire to know, I have not planned out an attack just yet. What I need is the perfect time to strike, the perfect time when Yuzuru finally lets his guard down near me. When the time arises I will stealthily choke him down on his last breathes. For now, all I need is to play the role of business competitor and idol. Our past relations will come into play later.”

Nagisa face seemed to contort into slight dissatisfaction. Ibara, of course, noticed this.

“If you are so curious to find out my history then why are you reacting in such a way? Your Excellency, you are the one who wished to know what I was sheltering, such a reaction is discouraging. Actually, on that matter shall I just end our little scuffle on a sour note? It’s bothersome to let all it out for only you to be disappointed at the climax.”

Even without an answer from the elder, Ibara slammed his laptop closed and sloppily cleaned up his belongings from the table. It was definitely not a tactful retreat, but one that would get the job done. Ibara must’ve thought the atmosphere in the room was too suffocating given his messy pathetic amalgamations of words that he left so suddenly, leaving Nagisa to ponder. Nagisa was indeed quite the thinker, and with this new information acquired, he was more than satisfied with the conversation at hand. The elder wasn’t too upset about making Ibara angry either, after all, despite his complexion, in the end, he is but a mere child. 

By the time Nagisa was about to meditate in deep thought about the situation that just unraveled, he took a glance at the time; signaling that it was indeed time for another unit practice. In this situation, normally Ibara would guide him, unwillingly, to their next appointment on schedule, but without him, the elder seemed to have been running late the commencement of their planned activity. It seemed that busy idols never had time to spare on such ‘unnecessary attributes’ as Ibara would’ve put it. 

Internally sighing Nagisa exited the studio set, only to get lost and wander off backstage.

**Author's Note:**

> LISTEN, I know it’s not a great ending but I just wanted t finish this bc it’s been in my drafts for over a month now... So I actually really like the dialogue and vocabulary I used in this fic (because it makes me seem smart) but yeah, it’s also trash so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> If you like this and want to see me rant abt these two more than follow my twitter @mikanshii 
> 
> And I'd be super grateful if you left a comment; it helps me with motivations and makes me happy!


End file.
